What goes up...

Today hasn't been one of my better days. I figured I'd take to the blog to lean on you all for some support. My WBC counts were low when I had my treatment on Weds. I have a feeling they aren't climbing up yet because I've barely been able to get around today. Kinda feels like you are underwater trying to run. It's been raining non-stop for the past 2 days - that sounds bad, but I actually have missed the crazy Hilo rain. It is warm rain and at night is drowns out the shrill chirping of the coqui frogs (that I'm still not used to). I can't wait for Brian to get here and screen in the back porch so I can sit and take in the rain without getting eaten alive by the mosquitoes.

I went to a oncology massage specialist today. It was a really good experience. I could hear the wind rustling through the coconut trees and the rain falling onto the tin roof while I was getting my treatment. I'm really grateful for the skilled people who choose to live in rainy little Hilo. Other parts of the island, and the state for that matter, are sunnier and beachier. But Hilo is Hilo. Living here elicits a sense of pride and dedication of not being a "fair weathered friend". Maybe that's why I loved SF's Ocean Beach so much. It had the reputation of being the foggiest part of SF, but I loved it...and when we got those sunny days there was no better place to be in the city. It's like a reward for not just packing up your bags and living in a place that is easy...even as I'm typing the rain has subsided and I'm looking at big puffy white clouds parting to let the sun shine in on the ocean.

It's been less than a week since I left - I'm feeling a bit stifled because I can't do much to help my mom clear out 20 years of stuff that has accumulated all over the house. My stuff, her stuff, my brother's stuff, my grandparent's stuff...just stuff everywhere. I've really come to dislike stuff. I wish all of it would disappear magically and I could live in a house with a bed, a chair or two, a kitchen, and nature. I'm worried about saddling all this work on Brian, but I know he likes to work, and I know he loves to see results of his hard work. I guess I'm just missing Brian. Ever since our eyes locked at the Love Parade back in 2005 we have barely been apart. You hear about couples needing to take a break from each other, but I can honestly say I've never needed to be apart from him. On our pseudo-honeymoon we drove all around Lake Michigan, I mean ALL around. We had a blast the entire time. I get a little kooky after I'm in a car for 3+ hours (Geoff and Cooker can attest to that), but Brian let me be as kooky as I wanted and probably one-up'ed me at that! I think we were in the car for 15 hours? 17? I forget, all I know is that we had 1 week of being with each other without work, without school, without responsibilities and it was wonderful.

When your immune system gets down, your brain starts to do mind-trips on you. The "what-ifs" start to creep back in and you question what the #&*@! is going on? You start to think life is whisking by and leaving you behind, you think you are missing out on everything. This is hard. For the most part I think that I try to stay focused on moving forward, but I know I'm allowed to have my down days. Today is one of them. Like I said, I promised you truth, not sunshine and roses. Happiness can not exist without sadness - two sides of the same coin.

Tomorrow will be a new day, and I am all the better today for sharing with you.

love,
Denise