part 2

I have 4 hours until Brian arrives. I'll continue on with another piece of this long story...ha, hard to imagine it could be such a long story already - it's been only 13 months since my "former life".

So I had 3 weeks to wait for my OB/GYN appt with this lump burning a hole in my chest and mind. Brian applied for Kaiser immediately, I called my temporary insurance to make sure they weren't going to f#*% me over when I went for my check-up. Everything seemed to be in order and there was nothing to do but wait. Finals were fast approaching, so I buried myself in the books. I loved studying - more than I have ever loved studying before. Finding Chinese Medicine was like unlocking a passion that I had been searching for my whole life. School was invigorating, I made some friends that will be friends for life because we all shared that same passion for a medicine that was both logical and ethereal. I made dorky flash cards and crazy spreadsheets of study notes - my study buddies all made fun of me and I loved it. I was so happy. I had found my passion, I was in love with the perfect man for me, I was finally falling in love with SF, I had almost all of my close college friends living minutes away, I lived downstairs from my very best friend in the whole world. I couldn't have asked for anything else in life.

When I finally make it to the OB/GYN - she says, "yep, that is definitely a lump". She tells me not to worry, 9 times out of 10 it is just a benign cyst thing that is not harmful, but just in case lets get you to a surgeon to do an ultrasound. The earliest appointment is one week away, "but that's my finals week" I tell her. She just gives me a look and I book the appointment anyway. I had finals in the bag, I had been studying like a madwoman, so I could afford to take an hour out to settle this lump thing.

One week later I've got one final down, 4 to go as I'm sitting on the surgeon's exam table. Really nice doctor, Kevin Hiler that happened to be the Chief of Surgery at the 2nd largest hospital in SF (lucky me). The lump looked like a nice round fibroadenoma on the ultrasound, but he did a fine needle aspiration just to be on the safe side. Totally minor procedure, just a little numbing then a needle is inserted into the lump to get a tiny sample of the tissue. Didn't hurt at all. I left there feeling relieved that he wasn't alarmed at the lump and my brain turned 100% back to finals.

Less than 24 hours later I had just finished my Shiatsu final - which is awesome by the way. What other "final" do you have to get a 1hr massage for? I was super relaxed and ready to tackle my last 3 finals. I check my phone and there were 3 missed calls with 2 messages. It's Dr. Hiler, "Hi Denise, please call me as soon as you get this.", "Hi Denise, Dr. Hiler again, please call anytime, my nurse will get me to take the call". My stomach drops. I still tell myself, don't worry he is just being thorough and wants to tell you the tests came back normal - but I walk outside to make the call back in private. Dr. Hiler picks up on the first ring, "Denise? I'm so sorry to have to tell you over the phone, but we need you to come back today. It is cancer, this was completely unexpected."

I feel like I knew it all along, but I didn't want to believe it. I just stood there on the sidewalk on a beautiful sunny SF day. I don't know what I said, I don't know what I did. The only thing I remember is looking up at the clear blue sky, and then looking down and a fluffy gray kitty was purring and nuzzling my legs. I had never seen the cat before, and I never saw her again. I like to think that was a little angel telling me everything was going to be ok.

I'll pick up tomorrow...

love,
Denise