rewind

Being back home has been more of a challenge than I thought, but it has also unearthed more blessings than I could have imagined. There are so many of you reaching out on FB that have found this blog, and I don't know how to describe what it feels like to have people that I knew from the first half of my life, but didn't keep in touch with for the second half...and even people that I haven't met yet reach out to send love and support to fight this beast inside of me. Every friend request brings tears of joy, of humility, of compassion to my eyes. It touches my soul, and I thank each and every one of you for that. When I was first diagnosed I thought this was a private fight, I sent out email updates to a handful of friends that I thought would find my journey relevant - but cancer is relevant to us all. This fight of mine can not be won privately, it is OUR fight, OUR desire to live, OUR desire to love. This is not just me, Denise, fighting. This is your sister, your wife, your mother, your aunt, your best-friend, your classmate, your neighbor...it is all encompassing.

I was so scared to start blogging about this journey. I thought it was my job as a strong independent woman to "grin and bear it", to be tough and not let anyone see me weak and vulnerable. But this fight is completely public, when you go to get chemotherapy you sit in a room with up to 6 other patients and a dozen staff, people talk to you through your charts. You become used to poking, prodding, undressing, needlesticks, blood tests, injections, claustrophobic scans, test numbers, and you become the definition of vulnerable. There is no room for shame in cancer.

I wanted to share with some of you that are just joining this journey of healing about how it all started. It is a long story, so I'll try to break it up into parts - I'll start today with the beginning. I was 2 years into my masters in Traditional Chinese Medicine in SF in Sept. 2008. One of my classes was beginning Shiatsu, and our professor took a day of lecture to let us know how to handle coming across obscure lumps and bumps on patients. We got into the importance of self-exam and body awareness. It dawned on me that I had lapsed seeing an OB/GYN for more than a year and did an amateur self-exam on myself that night. I came across a golf-ball sized lump on my left breast (how could I have missed that?). I took to Google right away, all indications pointed to it being a benign fibroadenoma - something common for someone my age. The next day I frantically called all around SF to find an OB/GYN that would see me ASAP, but the earliest appointment I could get was 3 weeks away. I even told them about the lump, but they just asked my age and told me over the phone, "it's probably nothing. This is the earliest we can get you in". I had also made the decision 2 months earlier to not go on COBRA since I was laid off from my IT recruiting job, and instead opted for a temporary insurance while my husband and I applied for an HMO with Kaiser. So I waited the 3 agonizing weeks, constantly convincing myself that "it was nothing", but deep down in my stomach I kept thinking that it was SOMETHING.

I'll take a break here and pick up tomorrow. It's been a long day and I'm ready to lie down for a bit before dinner. Brian and Joyce fly in tomorrow. I can't tell you how much I need to see my husband and good friend right now.

love,
Denise