The Time Has Come

To everyone out there, I want to say mahalo for the last time on this blog.  I have been going back and forth on to keep this blog going on my own, and I've decided that I'm done.  I will keep this site up as long as they do.  It will not be deleted on my own so that you can reference the postings whenever you want.  This has truly been huge for me and I know that it has been huge for you as well.  Denise only wanted to help people, and I can say with certainty that she has, that we have.

I'm sitting in Colorado this evening on part two of my two month adventure to find myself without Denise. I've learned that myself will never be without Denise, but that she is with me every day.  The impact that she may have had on all of our lives is a bit overwhelming, but truly the source of my strength to live.  I want you all to know, that while I struggle to be happy, I am!  We had two years to prepare for this, I will carry on in her name.  I will live to my strengths and work on my weaknesses, knowing that I will not be perfect.  I want to love and be loved, I want to help people, I want to do good in this world and I want to be there for you too.

This is not good by, but good day!  The tears are starting to roll, but it's all tears of happiness.  We have such a strong community, I am confident that we are all capable of doing great things while we share this world.  I want to travel and show my love all over the world.  I want to transcend peace and show people that we are all one.  I have the energy of the thousands of people who have read our words to help me as I go.  The sun is setting on today in Denver, but my life is still at the dawn.  Please, please, please.....don't live without Denise in your life.  Mind, Body and Soul!!!!!!!!   None can exist without the other two!

I love you all so much!  Aloha, mahalo and forever my love to you!

Peace,
Bri

Thankful

As we are rapidly approaching Denise's one month mark of passing, I'm left here to marvel in all the good people we have around us!  There has been no shortage of good blessings, well wishes, and stories of good times past.  Although the pain I feel is real, and will not end anytime soon, I can't help but be thankful for all of you.  I don't wake up miserable anymore.  I do see the beauty again, because of all of your words that ring through my head.  It's amazing to understand the impact that we had on your lives.  Denise only wanted to help people.  She has always been like that.  So, for her to be able to be some sort of positive thought in the back of people's minds for a long time is a fulfillment to her long term plan.

Her words ring out to me all throughout the day.  I love it!  Constant reminders to not forget, to plan accordingly, to not be lazy, to eat and eat right, to respect my body, to enjoy others, and to love.  I'm not quite over the selfishness of wanting her back.  I would rather be completely unhealthy with her next to me, but I understand that cannot happen.  I will move forward with her by my side.  I will move forward to help people in my own way.  I will move forward with the understanding that I am not perfect, but my try to be.

In the end, I have all of you.  Some of you whom I have never met, but most of you whom I will see often. Our ohana reaches the four corners of the globe and I know that we will mobilize instantly the time someone else needs help.  I for sure have many thank you's to pay back.  Don't worry, I know that I'm not in debt to you, I will simply pay it forward when I get my opportunity.

Aloha,
Bri

I want to write, but I can't seem to get any words out.  It's still so new!  The tears role off slower than they did the first week, but hit me at unusual times.  I'm waiting for this cruel joke to be over.  I want to see people, but I don't want to talk most of the time.  I don't want the world to pass me by, but I don't feel like running after it!  I can't wait for the memorial, yet I'm terrified of it.  I would gladly give my life for one more minute with Denise.  60 seconds............that's all I would need to..........I don't know?  Relive the last 5 years.

The Memorial

We will be holding a memorial for Denise at the house in Papa'ikou, HI on September 12th.  I'm assuming that noon will be a good time to gather.  Probably have a couple of hours of socializing before we begin to talk story.  There isn't going to be a format for this, so come prepared with your favorite story.  This should be a time with plenty of laughs alongside the tears!  I would ask that you bring a dish to share and expect to take the leftovers with you.  We'll have some grills going, so if you're a meateater there should be some good grinds.

I know this is short notice and understand the difficulty of traveling to Hilo so suddenly.  We won't have room for you to stay, so maybe you can team up with others for vacation rentals/hotels.  The property is large enough for plenty of cars and you are all welcome if you choose to be there.  I can be reached at 415-845-4348 with questions.  Email may be easier too, mannybrian@gmail.com.  Directions from Hilo are:
North out of Hilo down Hamakua Coast just past the 7 mile marker.  There will be a scenic route sign that you turn right at.  You're going to go a couple of hundred yards and just after the first one lane bridge you'll make a right on Ohanakupa Rd.  One lane road go straight all the way through a gate.  We are the first house on the right.  Start by parking on the left.

Hope to see you all, if not, no worries.  Denise will be with us all, despite where we are on the 12th.

Love and Aloha,
Brian

The Final Chapter

DENISE LYNNE LAMBETH-MANNY

Born: April 18 1976

Died: August 25 2010

Survived by a loving husband, a caring mother and father, supporting brothers and extended family and literally thousands of fans world wide!

When I found Denise unconscious last night, I thought it wasn't real.  I thought she was sleeping and I just needed to get her to a more comfortable place.  Even when I picked her off the floor, I thought it was just a matter of time before she snapped out of it.  Even as I was yelling for 911 from the basement and beginning CPR, I was waiting for her to be mad that I was overreacting.  It wasn't until being pulled off her by the medics that it hit me.  "I never got to say good-bye!"

I know that's not exactly true, because we've been working at the good-bye for two years.  This night, however, I didn't.  I forgot to kiss her on the forehead when I went upstairs to eat with her grandmother.  I had been by her side all day, except for 30 min. and I forgot to say it.  As we were traveling to the hospital I just wanted the opportunity to tell her, "I Love You!"  She never wanted to be put on a ventilator, so I couldn't help to worry that she was going to be pissed at me when she woke up, but she wasn't.  They got her conscious enough in the hospital for her to look me in the eye, and sign "I Love You."

She also was telling us that, "It's okay," and motioning to take the tube out.  She lasted consciously until her father made it her from Hilo.  The moment he got there, she fell into the most comfortable sleep.  We removed her from the aids of the machines and she drifted on at 8:50 AM PDT.  I have been quietly preparing myself for that moment for two years, but I cannot tell you how wrong I was.  There is no prep for losing a wife!  The moment she closed her eyes I missed her so terribly!  It's hard to breathe, everything looks fuzzy, I just want one more day, but that would be so selfish.  She chose when to go and where to do it.

She's so damn smart, it makes sick sometimes!  She left me on the edge of Long Lake in Washington.  It's such a beautiful day with boaters carrying on and Mt. Rainier looming over the opposite shore.  She new that I would find peace here.  I can fell her in everything I do.  I can't help but see her standing behind me watching me type.  She always says, "She'll find me!"  The peace I feel inside isn't going to make this easy.  Her battle lasted two years, but mine goes on.

I can't tell you how long that battle will be.  I slept today, which is something I didn't think would happen.  Is that healing?  I laughed about Denise's stubbornness.  Is that healing?  How do you ever heal from this.  Every moment reminds me of something we did together or something she said to make me laugh.  Nobody has made me laugh the way she did.  

I'm not sure how often I'll keep this blog going.  I guess I never knew how often I would write, but it sorta happened.  I want to tell you all that your interest in something that a random couple writes about their experience with cancer, blew us away.  I don't think she would have made it as long as she did without this little site.  To know and understand how you all feel, makes me a little stronger.  This can't be easy for many of you.  I know not being here is killing some of you.  There's nothing that we can do, except live in her name and with her memory.  

The specifics of a memorial are still a little cloudy.  It's going to be in Hilo probably the second weekend in September.  My thought is that we'll do it at our house, big property, great views and plenty parking.  I want you to all know, that Denise wouldn't want to to fret over being there if you cannot make it!  Our arms however, will be wide open to those of you choosing to share the time with us.  I'll put the final info on the blog when we work it out.

I'll leave you today with this............Denise was and is a powerful woman!  She owned her life.  Did things her way and expected great things from her loved ones.  My life is so full of love from her and I owe it to her to do the things that we didn't get to do together.  Her pain is over, and for that, I'm happy.  Together is how we all can get through this.  Love your neighbor as anger gets us nowhere!

Peace, Love and Happiness

Your and Forever

I Love you Baby!

Brian Philip Manny

December 14 1977 - stories not quite over yet!

Oh my, what a crazy week it has been!  I haven't had much time to even take a breath.  Denise has been in excruciating pain for about a week and a half.  In order to qualify for this clinical trial, they required a 28 day "wash out" of all other chemotherapy.  She barely made it that long.  We had to admit her to inpatient care Sunday evening.  I took her to Providence Hospital in Olympia, then we transfered her to UW Medical Center in Seattle.  I don't want to be overly dramatic, but I think it may have saved her life.  They were able to get control of the pain and get her stabilized up to today.

After the long anticipated, on again, off again and back on again, Denise consumed her first two pills of the Parp inhibitor this morning about 11am.  There has been a full day of blood draws, and still a lot of discomfort.  Tomorrow, will be an extra long day of chemotherapy and fluids.  Relief may soon be on the way for her.  We made it here, were going to be staying here, and hopefully when we leave, the disease will be left here too!  At the very least, some of the leading doctors in the country alongside her doctors in Hilo are working hard to give her the shot she wants.

2 years

Two years has passed since that moment in bed when Denise told me she feels a lump in her breast.  Two years it's been since we went to the hospital and was told it's nothing to worry about.  Two years it's been since we learned that it was something to worry about.  Two years have passed and we don't know much more today on her long term health than we did then.  

These last two years have been special to me.  I've gotten to learn another side to my already well rounded wife.  Her imagination, creativeness, stubbornness, wisdom, strength and beauty have all grown during this time.  I stare at her sometimes and just wonder what she can handle.  Yea, she's had her moments of doubt, but all in all, she has made these last couple of years something to remember.  Only she can find the beauty in pain.  It would split my heart in two watching her cry, if the tears didn't make her already beautiful eyes sparkle with life.  

The last two years have taken their toll as well.  There's been a couple of moments that we've questioned our perseverance.  Sometimes we just didn't know what else to do or where to turn.  We've changed our how lives inside out to live in Hawai'i.  We've put Tigris to the test and she's passed with flying colors.  We've gone into debt, battled back out, and now have been granted Medicaid.  We've left friends for other friends and met many more along the way.  

It really comes down to this trip to Seattle.  I'm not going to lie!  Denise is not doing well.  She hasn't been out of bed since Sunday.  We're at the hospital right now, but cannot get chemo because she cannot have any of those drugs in her before she starts the trial next week.  So, relief from the pain, which would have been today, will not happen until next week.  The hardest part to think about is we don't even know that this combination of drugs will spell relief.  It could mean more pain, fatigue, nausea, and anger.  We're throwing away drugs that although give her a good couple of weeks following each treatment, are not curing her.  So, what if the new drugs don't cure her either?

Until we know, we don't!  I can't anticipate that they won't work, otherwise we might as well not even go.  It's not going to be easy not sleeping in out bed for three months.  It's not going to be easy always being a guest.  It's not going to be easy living out of a suitcase and being away from Tigris..........AGAIN.  This is all because we are all in at this point.  There's only one result staying on the same path that we were on.  This, although cautiously excited, at least gives us potentially one more option.  More time!  

I don't wish time away, not even the unpleasant time.