Two years has passed since that moment in bed when Denise told me she feels a lump in her breast. Two years it's been since we went to the hospital and was told it's nothing to worry about. Two years it's been since we learned that it was something to worry about. Two years have passed and we don't know much more today on her long term health than we did then.
These last two years have been special to me. I've gotten to learn another side to my already well rounded wife. Her imagination, creativeness, stubbornness, wisdom, strength and beauty have all grown during this time. I stare at her sometimes and just wonder what she can handle. Yea, she's had her moments of doubt, but all in all, she has made these last couple of years something to remember. Only she can find the beauty in pain. It would split my heart in two watching her cry, if the tears didn't make her already beautiful eyes sparkle with life.
The last two years have taken their toll as well. There's been a couple of moments that we've questioned our perseverance. Sometimes we just didn't know what else to do or where to turn. We've changed our how lives inside out to live in Hawai'i. We've put Tigris to the test and she's passed with flying colors. We've gone into debt, battled back out, and now have been granted Medicaid. We've left friends for other friends and met many more along the way.
It really comes down to this trip to Seattle. I'm not going to lie! Denise is not doing well. She hasn't been out of bed since Sunday. We're at the hospital right now, but cannot get chemo because she cannot have any of those drugs in her before she starts the trial next week. So, relief from the pain, which would have been today, will not happen until next week. The hardest part to think about is we don't even know that this combination of drugs will spell relief. It could mean more pain, fatigue, nausea, and anger. We're throwing away drugs that although give her a good couple of weeks following each treatment, are not curing her. So, what if the new drugs don't cure her either?
Until we know, we don't! I can't anticipate that they won't work, otherwise we might as well not even go. It's not going to be easy not sleeping in out bed for three months. It's not going to be easy always being a guest. It's not going to be easy living out of a suitcase and being away from Tigris..........AGAIN. This is all because we are all in at this point. There's only one result staying on the same path that we were on. This, although cautiously excited, at least gives us potentially one more option. More time!
I don't wish time away, not even the unpleasant time.
