each moment

I've been doing all of this big talk about how I'm going to take advantage of the beach and the water and swim...but the truth is I've been scared to ask my body to do any kind of formal exercise.  You get used to people telling you, "take it easy", "be careful", "you can't...", "you shouldn't..." and you worry about possibly breaking something inside, or adding to the pain if you do something wrong.  When I went through chemo the first time I spent the first 3 months in the house.  Part scared to move, but mostly unable to move.  Little by little I started walking along the beach path - first for only 5-10 minutes with Dina's help, then 15 min, then 30 min, then 45 and I could take Tigris on my own, then all of a sudden it was 2 hour walks, then walkie-jogs, then tennis!  then dance classes!  It was beautiful to move again, I felt as strong as I did before the diagnosis only 1 week after I finished treatment.

This round of chemo has added a new obstacle, the Hand/Foot Syndrome.  One of the drugs I take affects your hands and (mainly for me) feet.  If you walk or jog too much it will bring on the symptoms of feeling like you are walking on hot a'a lava rock (the sharp poky kind).  So you are encouraged to stay off your feet as much as possible.  Nise needs to move!  Yesterday, with the encouragement of a new friend who is starting to train for the lava man, I went swimming for reals!  We had our mini kick boards, fins and goggles.  I felt completely safe with something to hang on to, extra power from the fins, and a partner in the water, and let me tell you - it felt so good to move again.  Most of my daily pain comes from stress on my skeletal structure.  Even if I stay off my feet any movement feels like extra effort because my bones are fighting off Mr. Unwelcome Cancer.  In the water I felt none of that.  I was pain free, floating, flying. 

It took me a month to build up the courage to ask my body to do something for me, and the results are 100% rewarding.  The challenge is to take each moment for what it is worth and nothing more.  The moment we ask for more we detract from the beauty of that specific moment.  As I was revelling in this new found freedom on a perfect blue sky Hilo day, light tradewinds, nobody else in the water, honu's swimming around me (turtles), fishies everywhere, crystal clear blue water...I started to think that I was going to try and do this everyday, but how many everyday's are there?  How sad to have to give something like this up?  What if...what if...what if...those what if's are so damn persistent.  I snapped out of it quicker than ususal and stopped those what if's from taking away from my moment.  It doesn't matter how many of those good days we are destined to have, what matters is that you have them.  I have that moment, and I will always have that moment.  If I am lucky, if you are lucky, we will have another completely unique and special moment, but to desire it and expect it takes away from the spontaneity of nature and beauty.  I think it is earthly human nature to seek MORE of a good thing.  Find a pair of shoes you love?  Buy it in 3 different colors.  Find and author you love?  Get all of her books.  Love italian food?  Eat it everyday...we've all been there. 

Enjoy your moments.  No need to take away from them by looking around the corner for the next moment.  Plan for the future, yes.  But expect nothing.  Good things happen to us constantly.  Bad things can be good things in disguise.  Just appreciate it all.

love,
Denise