Rebuilding

The whole flight home I kept reminding myself that I was moving. Not visiting, not vacationing, not traveling...moving. It was the fastest flight ever, almost less than 4 hours. I watched Hualalai start to form as a purple haze above the clouds. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, then I saw Mauna Loa's unmistakable outline and I knew we were almost there. I don't usually fly into Kona so it was a special treat to see the whole Waikoloa coast. It is bright turquoise blue with alternating stretches of white sand beaches and jagged black lava cliffs. The drive back to Hilo was also a nice reminder of all the places that I have missed so much. I guess Brian called ahead for the weather - they told me it was raining all weekend but I arrived to Hilo sunshine. Prettiest place on earth.

Last night was hard. I had a moment before I feel asleep freaking out that maybe I am not doing the right thing by moving home. I miss my apartment overlooking Ocean Beach, I miss my bed, I miss my husband, I miss my best friend, I miss my doggy. It is going to take a while to get used to being home again. But, I woke up feeling rested. I looked all around the house at all the projects that need to get started ASAP. It feels good to have a lot of work ahead of me - it means I have to stick around for a long time to see these projects to maturity.

Today I met with my new doctors and nursing staff and I feel really comfortable with everyone. They have a good handle on my medical history and are gearing up for a good fight. I'll have my next infusion on Weds 9/30. 7 hours of getting pumped full of meds, and I'm ready for it! I feel like the treatments have been making a difference, and I want to keep fighting. I had enough energy after the doctors to drive all around Hilo - it is so different. A lot of the things I remember are there, but it feels a lot bigger now. I feel like such a Haole, and you know what? I want to hold on to that - I want to remember that this is my home, but there is a bigger world out there that I have so much to learn from.

And then I sat down on the sea wall right by Liliuokalani Park to eat my lunch and look at Hilo Bay. At that moment I felt home. My fears quieted down a bit and my hope was given rejuvenation. There is so much work to do - looking around the house it seems like we will never be able make a dent in changing things. It all begins with the first step - my fight, my healing, rebuilding this house, taming the yard...it is literally building a new life with hard work and hope. A good friend of mine gave me the analogy of cancer treatments being like burning down your house, and healing like rebuilding your house from scratch. Who knew that it would be so literal a translation?

Love,
Denise