Beauty

My hair has been desperately hanging on to my head since I started chemo again 6 weeks ago. I think once I arrived in HI with the warmer weather it all decided to spontaneously molt. It's ok, it's not as disconcerting as the first time I lost my hair. That was just about 1 year ago exactly. I remember it pretty clearly - I sat in Jake's chair and cried my eyes out as he very gingerly and skillfully gave me the cutest pixie cut. Dina came with me for moral support - I was a mess. I loved my long hair. One day before I received my diagnosis I was walking with my head in my head thinking about finals, and a perfect stranger stopped me on the street to say, "you have the most beautiful hair" and kept walking. It was a genuine compliment that was unsolicited and I was so surprised I was barely was able to mutter a thank-you before he was gone. That day that stranger was an angel giving me a last compliment to a material thing I was going to say goodbye to. 24 hours later I was on the phone with my surgeon with, "Denise, I'm so sorry...".

We are all angels everyday and don't even know it. I'm sure that stranger didn't know why he randomly gifted me a compliment. I got to enjoy my cute little pixie cut for about 2 weeks before it all came out. Shaving my head wasn't nearly as hard as lopping off my long locks - I was almost happy to be rid of the hair since it didn't want to be a part of me anymore. In the 10 months of being bald I never really got used to my reflection in the mirror. I would see a cancer patient, but inside I still felt like Denise. Then when the hair started to grow back I started to see my old self again in the mirror, I started blending in on the streets again as just another person instead of a person with a story.

This second time around losing the hair was a lot easier. Today my mom took me to her hairdresser of 20 years to buzz off the pathetic strands still clinging on. She tried to be nice and give it a trim to see if it looked ok, but in the end we just shaved it all off. Much better. I hated running my fingers through my hair to end up with handfuls. If you ever want to learn a lesson in vainity I highly recommend getting rid of your hair. What you are left with is you, and what you need to learn is to love you for you.

I didn't cry this time, and when I look in the mirror I see Denise instead of a cancer patient. I almost feel like it is more fitting for me to be bald since I am in battle mode again - like GI Jane. I no longer rely on my hair, my eyelashes, my skin, my clothes, my jewelry or anything exterior to portray my beauty. Funny how losing your exterior self is paid back with a gain of self-confidence. My insecurities were always tied to the way I looked. Beauty is a feeling, not an image. Vainity is a heavy burden to carry (and expensive...oi). Having learned this lesson twice now has helped drive it home, and has lifted an old weight off of my soul.

love,
Denise