I don't know if the insomnia is a side-effect of the chemo, or a side-effect of my brain trying to process and tuck away so many thoughts - probably a little of both. What better time than at 2:00 am to break in this blog? The existence of this blog is a result of a group of friends that banded together out of pure love to help Brian and I. Thank-you to Vern, Dina, Darin, Tim, Jen and all of you countless others behind the curtains that have mobilized an army of help for us. I am only beginning to understand the amount of work that has been going on in the last few weeks...I am incredibly humbled by all this effort. It's hard to sit down and comprehend that this little life is worth so much sacrifice from others. It's not that I don't think I deserve it - I have reasoned that if I were on the other side of the fence I would be doing everything in my power to ease the path of my loved one. It's just that I have spent my former life trying to tell myself that independence and success are gained by not needing help from anyone, that strength is shown by standing without support. Well now I know I was completely deluded. Being independent and strong have nothing to do with standing alone. My source of strength is from all of you. I am more myself than I ever have been because I have shared my life with each of you. When I get sad about the abyss before me it is flashes of your faces and libraries of our memories that bring me back to fight this thing that is trying to take my body.
Cancer is a living rebirth into this world. In the beginning things are never easy, it's relearning to live again. I am eternally grateful for having so many shoulders to ease this burden. It is the most humbling experience to allow yourself to be carried.
I hope my thoughts aren't too jumbled by the delirium. I'm sure you can at least get a good jolly out of the ramblings of my brain.
love,
Denise
