Good evening everyone!  It is Friday and I'm sitting in the room gazing out onto a million stars and thinking about the weeks ahead.  This has been a frustrating week, to say the least!  It's been full of disappointment and the feeling that Denise is not doing well.  Her pain is about a 10, and there's no relief in sight.  Except for the 40 Vicodins she has to take per day to feel okay.  So, that's a bit of an over statement, but she's clearly dependent on them, and I don't blame her one bit.  It just seems that there's nothing we can do.  She goes on chemo, everything gets better, and the second she stops it blows up again.

I do want to say that nothing has been confirmed.  We're working off her gut feelings about things, which to this point have been spot on since Oct. 2008!  The doctors keep saying that she has too much information to work with, but I say that she's the only one that has been right the whole time.  I'm tired of hearing, "OOPS, we missed that," without someone actually saying it!  I'm about ready to knock off some people in the insurance biz too.  They can use this at my trial for premeditated murder.  Maybe I'm being a little dramatic right now, but just wait until they confirm it again.  I do understand how people loose it.  Writing this is the only avenue I have to blow it off.

I'm hoping that Denise is dead wrong, and that her pain is that of another nature, but come on.  This is the same old song and dance that we've gone through twice now.  We're leaving for Seattle next Friday.  There, we will be meeting with the cancer docs at a world class facility.  Hopefully get a PetCT to confirm or deny activity.  I really want Denise to be wrong, but Vegas would have her as the favorite right now.  Maybe I can hedge all of our debt on a bet like that and come out even.  Throw me a bone here.......I'm not asking for much.  Don't just let her die!

My emotions are usually tucked neatly inside my head.  I don't over or under react, in my opinion, to many things.  Maybe that's why this is coming out.  Writing comes from inside the head and that's where all of this is stored right now.  I've voiced all of this to Denise and she's with me, but what can we do?  Her dad believes and understands her, but what can he do?  It's the system itself that doesn't allow to take into account patients feelings.  It need to stay neutral and let proof lead the way.  This saves thousands of people a day, but what about those that fall through the cracks.  Those that don't fit into the statistics.  Those that are desperate and for Jesus H Christ, those who don't have any insurance anyway!  Charge me.  It doesn't matter if I go into debt for the rest of my life.  I don't need a house, I don't need anything.  I'll pay whatever I have until my last breath, just get it done!

Hopefully, when we're back from Seattle I'll have better news.  Maybe this is the first time that I've overreacted this much.  I would love to look like an ass hole for even talking about losing it on some doctors or anyone in the insurance biz.  I know they're just trying to make a living, but this is the path I chose.  I'm not going down like this.  I'm not letting Denise go down like this.  She deserves a life.  I deserve a life with her.

Sorry!  I'm pissed off