It's the night before my scans. I've been avoiding posting my thoughts. It's not because they are bad, or sad, or private. It's because I've been trying to not have any thoughts, and if I spend time posting thoughts, then there must be activity going on in my brain. I've been kind of "turned off" the last few weeks just so I don't have to think about what comes next. What comes next will come whether I think about it or not. What may, or may not be growing in my body will grow, or not grow whether I talk about it or not.
What we find out tomorrow will determine our lives for at least the next 3 months. The aches and pains that I have been having don't have the obvious symptoms of cancer. That doesn't give me much comfort since I have never presented with any typical symptoms of cancer except for the actual biopsy and PET/CT. I was told to wait-and-see. Ok. I've waited. I've gotten past the anxiety that the cancer is spreading, or the hope that the cancer is gone. I really don't wish for one or the other at this point, because I know that even with a clear scan I still will go back on chemo. All this scan will tell us is which chemo, and where will I get it.
On the one hand if the cancer is back it means I will immediately be accepted to this clinical trial we have been trying to be a part of since last August. It will be in Seattle, so I will have to move here temporarily. It will be wonderful to be closer to my Grandma, oldest brother, and all of my family and good friends here in WA that I never get to spend enough time with. On the other hand...it means that, well, that the cancer is back. No matter how many bright sides there are to this situation I still have this gnawing emptiness in my stomach knowing that this cancer has now withstood 2 rounds of very strong chemo, and my likelihood of ever knowing a cure is slipping through my grasp.
Of course there is the possibility that there is no cancer. If that is the case, we head back to Hawaii and I stay on the more mellow chemo indefinitely...or at least for another 3 months until my next scans. But having lived with such devastating news twice now it's actually easier for me to face the reality of the worst case scenario. Being hit off guard twice has taught me to better be prepared in case life isn't all puppies and rainbows all the time. Knowing the mountain you have to climb and having the chance to ready yourself for it makes the journey more tolerable.
I just want you all to know that the last week has been relatively less pain than a few weeks ago, and I've been happy to forget about cancer for a little while. I've been cooking and reading and spending time with my Washington family. I miss Tigris like a hole in my heart though. If we do end up needing to move to WA for a few months we have to find a way to get her here. I don't think my heart could make it that long without her again.
Love,
Denise
About Us
- Nise and Brian
- Hilo, HI, United States
- Denise found a lump in her breast in Aug 2008, and was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer on 9/11/08. She went through 16 cycles of chemo, a lumpectomy, and radiation ending in June 2009. In July 2009 Denise was given the news that the cancer had metastasized to her bones and liver. New chemo was started Aug 2009, then radiation Dec 2009, but the cancer continues to spread through the liver and bones. Today Denise and Brian live in Denise's hometown of Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii and live each day as it is the best day ever.