People often ask, "How are you?"  Don't take this the wrong way before you read the rest.  I do not mind the question.  I often ask myself the same thing.  The answer is, "I don't know."  I don't think I will know for a long time.  It's such a difficult thing to process.  There's so many variables to the answer that haven't happened yet.  Who knows how long it will take for those things to play out in order for me to really understand what toll this is taking?

At this point, I can say that it does not matter, 'how I am.'  It only matters how Denise is doing.  For instance, if she recovers completely, then I will be okay.  On the other side of things, I can't even comprehend what it will be like to lose her, so it really doesn't matter how I am now because it won't compare to what I'd have to deal with then.

It is not easy, nor would anyone assume it is, to watch the one you love battle with so much pain.  It's the hardest part about this whole episode.  You want to protect the ones you love, yet I can do no such thing.  I feel healthy, strong, I eat well and besides getting a few new gray hairs now and then I don't feel like I'm aging at all.  I look at Denise and it does rip me up a little bit that I can't do too much to comfort her.  If the pain meds are not working, all the hugs and kisses in the world have little to no effect.  I can help her go from laying down to standing up, but that does not make the pain go away.  I can try and offer options to eat, but that doesn't make the constipation go away.  I can try and make sure that she drinks enough water, but that doesn't always make her stomach pain go away.

So, how am I?  I still do not know.  The fact that I can talk about these things without breaking out in tears is both encouraging, but also very worrisome.  I think that I am very cognitive about what is happening.  I think I understand what a slippery slope we are on and I know that the drugs that she is on will only be good enough for awhile.  I know that we need a break, and that the Parp Inhibitor clinical trial is absolutely mandatory at this point.  I also know that if anyone can handle this stress and grasp a miracle it will be Denise.  She's the strongest woman that I know.  She is staring at death in the eye and not blinking.  She is the one that makes me as strong as I am.  This is all about her.  I am but an afterthought and happy to support her just like I know all of you would.

I draw strength from looking at all the names who have come out to help us and support us.  My thanks cannot come to you as it should, but know that you are all in my thoughts as I know that we are in yours.  I'm thankful to have this time with Denise.  It's good to finally understand that money is not worth anything.  Happiness comes from being with the ones you love and knowing that there's a lot of love that surrounds.  A job is only a job.  It does not make us who we are, it only compliments the skills that we have to contribute to the greater good.  I'm feeling pretty good after this post, so there's your answer!