I can almost feel the wind in my hair

That was one of the things I took for granted - hair.  You don't realize how much of a part of your life it is because it's always there.  There is liberation in not having it, like saving $$ on fancy shampoos and salves.  Saving time leaving the house by not having to dry or style it, sticking your head out the car window and not pulling back in bird's nest...sure, those are on the *bright* side of not having hair.  I can see why women would choose to have it short.  But the things I didn't realize when I did have hair was how it felt to have the wind blow through it...it tickles your scalp and feels cool, but not cold.  Also swimming is different - dunking your head in the water al fresco is strange.  I never really got used to it.  It's shockingly cold and doesn't get warm.  I used to play mermaid with my long hair and let it flow all around me in the water - I could feel the heavy drag as a swirled it side to side.  And then getting out of the water or shower I still instinctively reach up to wring my hair out.  When I put on a pull-over sweater or shirt I put my hands behind my neck to pull up my phantom hair.  Fidgeting is also a lot harder.  I've resorted to always having pockets now since I don't have my hair to play with.  I'm all Ricky Bobby and don't know what to do with my hands.  People have a sense of familiarity with baldness too - strangers would come up and rub my head (like a dog).  It's a little funny I guess, I think of my pregnant friends and of the strangers that would walk up to them and touch their belly.  Man, I don't know if I could be cool about strange people touching me...then again, I'm not a big touchy-feely person anyway.

We are hanging out on the west side for Gram and Mom's last few days here.  The Big Island is so vastly different from east to west, so it was nice to be able to let them experience this side for a few days.  Today the tradewinds kicked back in and blew all the vog away - it's amazing here, you can see 4 of the 5 dormant volcanos that created this island, the sunsets are fire red, and the stars at night are so close you can breathe them in.  Not to mention...NO COQUI FROGS.  nice.  I was standing outside enjoying the cool breeze and I felt something I haven't felt in a long time - the breeze was tickling my hair.  It is long enough now that the wind moves the hair around a little.  I know this is such a teeny, tiny little insignificant thing, but I just closed my eyes and smiled into the wind and happily let it caress my little head.

People ask me if I plan on growing my hair back.  That's actually a hard question to answer.  I didn't really plan on getting rid of my hair, so I can't really plan if I get to have it back.  7 months ago I would have answered "heck ya!", it was neat to see what it was like short, but I miss my hair.  Today though, I'm trying to stay detached from needing to identify with the hair.  The truth is I don't know if I get to stay off the meds that make hair fall out long enough to be able to answer the question if I am going to let it grow out.  Losing the hair the second time wasn't nearly as hard as the first.  And if I have to lose it a 3rd time I'm sure it will be easier than the 2nd.  Like so many things in my life right now, I don't get to choose the length of my hair, nature does.  And I will enjoy it at any length.

love,
nise