easy come, easy go

well, not really easy I guess.  Nothing on this journey has been easy.  I tried to stay neutral about the news of my scans being clear in the bones and liver.  If after 5 years they are still clear then I will start to celebrate a little more - I did allow myself to breathe a little, to dream a little, to make some plans for the future...all of which I am still fully entitled to keep doing.  I started to believe that it is possible to come out of this tangle of health and live out my dreams...I still believe, but my faith is surely being tested over the last couple days.

In July of 2009, one month after I had finished radiation and the doctors were ready to send me back into society branded a "survivor", I had a spontaneous rib fracture.  Yada, yada, yada 3 weeks later I get the news that I have advanced metastatic disease in my ribs and all over my body.  Start treatment again, move home to Hawaii, yada, yada, yada 5 months go by and the scans show the cancer is OUT of the bones and only in it's place of origin (my armpit).  Now, on the day before I finish my second round of radiation I get another spontaneous rib fracture.  No good, right?  Not only is it sh!t-your-pants scary, but if you know what a broken rib feels like then you know how sucky this is.  Trying not to freak out, trying not to freak out.  If anything I've been trying not to think that I was in the clear IN CASE something like this happened.  Not that I expected things to go wrong again, but when you get rapid fire bad news with a sprinkling of good news you just instinctually prepare yourself for the worst in every situation.

Well, Mr. X-ray today showed no rib bone fracture.  I started arguing with my Dad when he read me the results.  I can't take a breath without convulsing in pain, something is definitely WRONG, but it's not looking like bone cancer.  Sigh of relief...?  We move into wait and see mode, which is always fun.  My medical knowledge is exhausted at this point - if it's not a rib fracture then what?  Is there some side-effect of the chemo or radiation that I missed in my hours of research?  You guys know what a compulsive "know it all" I am, I have looked into every abstract, medical journal, website, whatevers about all the chemicals I'm taking, all the treatments I'm doing, and I'm just stumped...and that is frustrating.

A common theme throughout this blog is me struggling with letting go.  Call it what you want, letting go of control, letting go of dreams, letting go of fears, letting go of life, letting go of death, just letting go and allowing faith so soothe you.  Faith to carry you.  Faith to ease your burden.  I want to know what is going on with my body, but I can't push water uphill.  It is such a huge challenge to quiet your mind when you have this huge looming question mark that may change your life...again.  Letting go of obsessing about the "what" is really hard.

I really wish I had all puppies and rainbows to report to you all the time, but I'm sure you all don't expect this journey to be prolific and inspiring at every turn.  I hurt right now.  I'm scared right now.  I'm like a caged animal lashing at at those trying to help me (Brian...poor Brian, sorry baby).  Lucky for me he can differentiate between me being bitchy, and me throwing punches in every which direction just trying to survive...I hope.

At least we know that easy come, easy go...will have to start with easy come again soon.  Faith.  I just need to have faith that all is as it should be.

love,
nise