it's hard not to

I just read in the news today that 'Survivor' contestant Jennifer Lyon died on Tuesday from "complications" from breast cancer.  She was 37 and was diagnosed 5 years ago, which means she was 32 when she was diagnosed.

I was 32 when I was diagnosed.  I'll be 34 in a few months.

It's hard not to let the brain lead you to the obvious pathway of thought.  I already know that it is a reality that my body might not win this fight.  Your heart still drops to the floor when a fellow soldier falls from this disease.  The ticking clock is brought back to the foreground and you become conscious of every second that passes by.  How much longer?  How will it feel?  Does it hurt?  None of these questions are relevant, but it's hard not to ask them.

When I was diagnosed the first time around I was really focused on getting through treatments and resuming life as I had planned it.  When I got hit the second time I had pretty much given up on any kind of future that required plans.  "See you later" turned from a statement to a question.  Making plans for "next" birthday, or "next" Christmas, or "next" time seemed futile.  I cried silently every night for hours for months.

Then I think I just ran out of sadness.  These things do run their course.  I still am aware of the gravity of this disease on my life, but you really do learn to walk again.  It's not the same as before, but it is still movement forward.  I should be lucky to get 5 years, and I'm going to do everything in my power to get more than that...a lot more than that.  But that's just it isn't it?  What is in your power are the active choices and actions we take in our lives.  What isn't in our power is the meteorite that comes slamming into our earth unexpectedly.  You can put on your seatbelt to prevent you from harm, but you can't stop a drunk driver from hitting you.

I've reached a common ground between life and death.  It's the same place I've always been - the space between heaven and earth where we all reside.  Some of us live our lives deeply rooted to earthly things.  Some of us have our sights set on the heavens.  Neither is wrong or correct.  It's being able to be content with where you are in life that is the challenge.  I used to think that if I just reached one more goal, or moved to that new city, or got that new job...that is where the happiness would be found.  Always just around the corner and just out of reach.  Happiness is with us at all times.  Striving for goals is a good thing, but appreciating what you have means that you have everything that you need.

I am grateful to Jennifer Lyons that lived with this disease publicly.  I wish her soul a safe passage to the next world, and I wish her family light and serenity.  I am grateful for each day that I have on this earth, and I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life...it's hard not to be.

love,
nise