I'm trying to remember if I had this much trouble sleeping before "the cancer". I'm going to say no - mainly because I was always exhausted from staying up too late and never really thinking I needed to sleep, so if I only got 3 hours I didn't really mind. Now the last thing I want to do is overtax my body - she needs all the juice she can get to fight off the nasties. I've downed about 3 cups of Nighty-Night tea, we'll see how it goes.
It's this damn head of mine that keeps over thinking things...I have to say though, getting the good news about the scans has lead my train of thought to stray a little further away from the morose. I think before we knew that I had a response to the chemo I was trying to get used to the idea that I might not be around in 2 years. That's the number they give you when you have cancer in the bones. But now that I know that the chemo worked, even if it is temporary, at least we know that we have an arsenal to fight with. Before no one was able to tell me if we would be able to fight, just that we would be able to try. What the scans told me is that I definitely have more than 2 years...I think. That's good enough for me to get my head out of the grave and back in this world.
So my over thinking mind is less preoccupied with stressing about HOW I can fit in all the things I want to do with my life, and more thinking about what I need to do tomorrow. Isn't that great? It's a big difference to me anyway. I noticed it last night as I was laying there trying not to get frustrated about being awake for 3 hours after I went to bed. My mind was going over the events of the day, about trying to decipher the thoughts of others, hating to step on the scale, wishing I had hair, ...and it dawned on me, I hadn't thought about "the end" in a while...and that's pretty cool. I hadn't fretted about the small stuff for more than a year, and now I'm having a good laugh that I am stressing about the little things again.
If we have time to stress about the small stuff, then I think it means life is good enough we don't have to stress about the big stuff. Funny ya?
love,
nise and her twisted sense of humor
About Us
- Nise and Brian
- Hilo, HI, United States
- Denise found a lump in her breast in Aug 2008, and was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer on 9/11/08. She went through 16 cycles of chemo, a lumpectomy, and radiation ending in June 2009. In July 2009 Denise was given the news that the cancer had metastasized to her bones and liver. New chemo was started Aug 2009, then radiation Dec 2009, but the cancer continues to spread through the liver and bones. Today Denise and Brian live in Denise's hometown of Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii and live each day as it is the best day ever.