Thankful

One year ago...it's so confusing to think of one year ago.  These treatments have gone by slowly, but a lot of the details of my life over the last year are a bit blurry, so it also seems like yesterday that I was diagnosed.  Then at the same time the person I was, the life I had, the dreams I was working toward all belong to a different person from a year ago.  Then yet again, the core of who I am has remained the same.  If anything, WHO I am has become a lot more clear since I don't have the distractions and socialized influences detracting from the person I was always meant to be.  See?  Confusing huh?

One year ago Bri and I were supposed to be in Colorado to celebrate Thanksgiving with Alyssa, Mike, and Momma Char who had flown in from WI too.  We made the plans before I was diagnosed.  The first few months of my treatment were the hardest.  I missed Becky and Jeff's wedding that Bri was a groomsman in - that was a bummer to miss, but I'm so happy that Brian made it.  I know he was torn over the right thing to do.  The right thing in this case was to NOT let this cancer dictate our lives and have him miss out on two of his closest friends getting married.  He was my eyes and ears there - I felt like I was a part of their celebration of love.  I wanted Brian to go to CO for Thanksgiving too.  I was sleeping like 18 hours a day, not really eating, not doing much of anything.  I knew that I couldn't make it to a holiday that focused on eating, but I didn't want Bri to have to miss out on life because of me.  I got mad at him when he told me he wasn't going - I felt like I was burdening his life, and taking away from Alyssa and Momma Char who I knew wanted to see him so badly.  This time of treatment is a little blurry to me, but I remember clearly what Brian told me when I got upset with him for deciding to stay - he said, "this cancer is not yours, it is ours.  My family wants me to be with you.  I want to be with you, so get over thinking that you are carrying this burden by yourself right now because I'm not leaving you."  That was that.  I don't think I've ever bugged him again about me being a unwanted burden on his life.  Things ended up working out ok - Bri's Aunt Sara & Uncle Stephen in Petaluma were having a nice dinner that we were invited to as well.  I ended up still not being able to make that, but Bri went.  He was only gone 4 hours or so, and I had Tigris to snuggle with.  I was happy he got to be with family, he was happy he was able to be with family and was also able to be with me.  Plus he brought home some yummy leftovers...Aunt Sara is a kick-a$$ cook!

This year was very different.  I'm still not at 100%, but I'd say I'm at about 75%.  I can eat, I can walk around a bit, I can look forward to and actually hold conversations.  I can contribute, albeit very little, to cooking, but at least I can contribute.  We were with Dina and her family and Dommy Dahling too.  A table full of some of my most favorite people in the world...well, I guess if it were a table full of all of my favorite people in the world it would be a very big table, but this was a section of some especially special people.

I am thankful that I was able to be with such a warm and loving group of people.  I am thankful for all the laughter we shared.  I am thankful for being able to have a full belly.  I am thankful to know 100% that pure love exists in this world and surrounds each and every one of us constantly whether we know it or not.  Above all, I am thankful that I got to be here for another year to experience all of you.

love,
Denise