Negative Spaces

It is so easy to fall into living a life of "have not"s.  When you make a drastic change in your life, whether it be a diagnosis of a serious illness, a move, a broken relationship, an addition to your family, a loss in your family, a new job, a lost job...anything to break your daily routine, you inevitably think about the life you had before the change.  Then you focus on the things that are noticeably absent from your new life.  It's hard not to, and I try not to come down on myself for not being able to allow the "have"s in my life to take precedence over the "have not"s.  Grass is always greener...never know what you have 'till it's gone...better to have loved and lost...a bird in the hand...blah, blah, blah.  I know the logic behind getting past living in Negative Spaces, but it isn't so easy in practice.

My mind wanders back to my life pre-cancer and I have a hollowed out feeling in my stomach for that life.  But lets be realistic - even when I was a healthy, active, early thirties, newly married, spunky young lady I still dwelled in Negative Spaces.  I desired things I didn't have - I desired to be finished with school, I desired a house that we owned, I desired vacations, I desired new shoes...it was always something more than what was in front of me.  Now I reflect on that previous life and I desire it back...but do I desire to go back to not appreciating what I had?

Having your life changed for you is a serious, beautiful lesson in appreciating what you "have" in life.  I'm still learning.  I think of Yoda trying to teach young Skywalker in the swamps of the Dagobah System, "All his life has he looked away...to the future, to the horizon.  Never his mind on where he was.  What he was doing.  Adventure.  Heh.  Excitement.  Heh.  A Jedi craves not these things.  You are reckless".  It's true - in our effort to better ourselves we get caught up in looking ahead...and for me, looking behind.  I don't want to go back to being blind to all of the good things I have in life.  If my life span is indeed shorter than the average life span, I can appreciate that I will live more in a single day than I used to live in a year.  That is a gift, and I am constantly reminding myself not to neglect it.

I've been dwelling in the Negative Spaces of what is now absent from my life a lot over the last few weeks.  It's natural to miss things, but it should be balanced with appreciating what surrounds you.  This is not just for me, but for all of us.  Just ask yourself if your whole world was taken from you tomorrow, what would you miss the most?  Now go forward and appreciate those things - as little as they may be, without them being taken from you.  Sounds simple.  It is.  Sometimes we just need a swift kick in the butt - I know I do.

love,
Denise