Have you ever done something really good, like whacked an ace at tennis, nailed a triple pirouette, swished a long shot 3 pointer no net, got a really good hand at cribbage...just something where luck and preparation met on a perfect path and magic happened? You get this inner smile, but you don't want to smile too big because you know part of that magic that just happened was part of a greater universal power and completely out of your hands...but you still can't help but smile an inner humble smile.
That's how I feel today. My dad called me yesterday about an hour after I left the PET/CT scan to tell me that there was still some "activity" (cancer) in my axilla, but the scans showed my bones and liver clear of lesions.
I had to ask him, "but what about my liver?", he said, "yes Denise, you heard me right the first time. Your liver and bones are clear."
What does this mean? Mainly it means that the chemo did it's job. We don't know which of the 3 chemos worked, but the continual bombing of my body was worth it today. My disease was pretty widespread, so chances are the little microscopic buggers are likely still floating around just waiting for us to let our guard down so they can start nesting again. So this news also means that we will continue aggressive treatment while we have this wounded cancer on the run. I'll start radiation to my axilla next week, then we'll find out what kind of modified chemo I'll be on indefinitely.
This is good news. Great news. I'm responding to the treatment, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high and lose sight on the task at hand, which is continuing to fight, fight, fight. We're not out of the woods yet - as we change my chemo regime there is a chance that I'll go off of the chemo that is fighting the cancer and it will grow back. For right now I know that we got lucky, and I owe ALL of that luck to you. Your prayers, your thoughts, your will, your belief that we can all fight this thing together. I KNOW that I had such a good response to the treatments because of you. You have shared my story with your loved ones, your congregation, your co-workers. People have reached out to give their love and support from all corners of this earth - people I haven't seen since I was a kid, people I have never met, people I have lost touch with, people I see everyday that have turned from friends to soldiers in our army to fight cancer.
We won this battle today. It is a long war in front of us, but for today we can smile that inner smile. I've been getting used to the news not going my way - cancer came back with friends, insurance won't cover my chemo, machine malfunction for my blood test...you prepare yourself for the worst, and when the worst doesn't happen you get to enjoy a few moments of relief. The winds have changed to blow in our direction for a while. I've got hope now, and it's growing. I think I was afraid to hope for too much because I didn't want to get crushed again. But I'm starting to believe that if I stay focused and do everything in my power to be as healthy as I can be that I can squeeze many many good years and good times out of this life.
...and not for one second do I think I would be here without your love and support. This win is for all of us. Thank-you. I couldn't have had a better 2nd wedding anniversary present.
love,
Denise
About Us
- Nise and Brian
- Hilo, HI, United States
- Denise found a lump in her breast in Aug 2008, and was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer on 9/11/08. She went through 16 cycles of chemo, a lumpectomy, and radiation ending in June 2009. In July 2009 Denise was given the news that the cancer had metastasized to her bones and liver. New chemo was started Aug 2009, then radiation Dec 2009, but the cancer continues to spread through the liver and bones. Today Denise and Brian live in Denise's hometown of Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii and live each day as it is the best day ever.