We've known for the past 6 weeks or so that the chemo is not really working. My liver tumor is still growing. I go through peaks and valleys of pain and no-pain. The chemo does help in pushing the tumor back, but it's like fighting a wild fire with a garden hose. If you are envisioning a withering Denise stuck in bed, that's not the case. I am up and about, I'm distracting myself with helping alohAMondays, having a few select visitors, enjoying the sky, reading, cooking, and anything to get my mind off of things. I have been avoiding the blog because I'm just tired of people feeling sorry for me, tired of people hoping and praying for an outcome that may not be in my future, tired of telling you guys that no matter how bad things get that I am going to pull through. The truth is, considering my current treatment we are only doing our best to extend my life. That could be months, it could be years, but our window of hope for a cure has all but closed at this point.
I know this news leaves you in a suspended state of not knowing what to say or what to do. I know you want to shake someone to do something, you want to find a miracle cure and tell anyone who will listen that my life cannot end this way. You want to tell me that you are sorry and offer yourself for anything that you can do to help...but you know what I need from you right now? Is to join me and learn to not be afraid of facing death. To not look upon me as unfortunate, or isolate me as different, and to not pity me. Life ends, we all know this. Some of us have had to face death in losing a husband, or mother, or child before we felt we had enough time together. But I ask you, how much is enough time together? I used to bargain with Death, "just 17 years, give me 17 more years with Brian and then you can take me". I don't know why 17, but I thought that a reasonable number. Then it changed to 10 years as we continued to get bad news about my cancer, then it went down to 5 years, and currently I'm hoping for 2. Whatever time I am granted it will never be enough. I will always want one more day, one more moment. What I realize now is that I already have everything I need to move on to the next step. Every extra moment I have, every extra sunrise I see is a precious and generous gift.
This blog has become much more than I ever thought it would be. At first it was just a way to get the news out to family and friends about the course of my treatment. I didn't foresee it turning into a mode of communicating to a larger network of people about the strife of being a young woman struggling for life. I didn't think that I would ever have to report the news that I might be losing this battle. I didn't think that these private and personal events of my life would be made public to people that may not know me in person...but can connect to me in heart.
When I was first diagnosed I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason - that this cancer was given to me for a greater purpose...but I couldn't figure out what that purpose was. Maybe my purpose is to be a voice - a voice for the dying to give life for the living. I mean, I'm still not convinced that my fight is over - far from it. Even though I accept death is my ultimate outcome, I will still remain a soldier treating this body like a temple and doing everything in my power to be as healthy as possible. Maybe you can tell me my purpose. I feel that all of this is worth it if I have convinced any one of you to make a positive change in your life. Have you gotten health insurance? Do you watch what you eat more carefully? Do you read labels on your lotions and shampoos? Have you educated yourself on what cancerous toxins exist in your environment? Do you eat less refined sugars and processed food? Have you cut back on drinking? Quit smoking? How about on a overall quality of life perspective? Have you reached out to an estranged brother or father? Said "I love you" to someone that deserves to hear that in your life? Forgiven someone for something that you are holding on to useless anger for? Decided to let go of people that are toxic to your own health? Have you chosen to live a more peaceful life? Do you stop and appreciate everything that you have? Tell me. Tell me how your life has changed. This is the medicine that I need. My heart has infinite room for your stories of success, no matter how small you think it is...tell me. You can email niseandbrian@gmail.com. If we've never met, even better. Tell me how two strangers can be connected through grace.
Hope for me is a shining white flag that sails above us through the storm. Our soaring hope for a cure of my cancer is stiffening up in the harsh elements it is being battered in. Our hope has exhausted so many choices and attempts to outrun this cancer. But our hope doesn't have to only exist for life. Hope extends to a greater good. Hope exists for the realization of love, and for the happiness that lives inside each of us. My hope is to have each and every one of you find your inner happiness and realize that no matter how good or bad your life may seem, that inner happiness will always exist inside of you.
That is all for now. I will make up for lost time on the blog. I know you all respect my need to take the time to find the right way to share this news with you. I just needed some time.
love,
Denise
PS - I owe so many good people a call, an email...a some kind of acknowledgment that I am ok, not ok, or just plain breathing. I know none of you blame me for my silence, but if I can't rise above my hardships to continue to live a respectable life, then life becomes so much harder for myself. So Jen S., Vern, Nicol, Jen C., Maria C., Kristin S. and the rest of you that have not given up or given in to my silence please know that I think about you all daily, and was just plain hiding from the fact that I still have cancer.
