why, why, why do I stay up so late? It used to be that I just couldn't sleep from all the meds running through my system. Lately though, with the exception of a few days after being pumped up on steroids after chemo, I've been sleeping just fine. I've been watching way too many Netflix instant movies. The sad thing is there are only a handful of truly good instant movies - the rest are all independent crap or foreign. I watched the entire Lost series - 5 seasons, like 20 episodes a season...that's 100 hours of Lost not even counting the current season! Then I tried to watch the old Fame series only to find out that out of 6 seasons Netflix only had 1 & 2!! I was sooo pissed! I need me some young Debbie Allen! What will crazy Mrs. Berg say next? Will Leroy ever learn to point his toes?
I don't know why I can't just turn off the computer and go to sleep. I love sleep. Maybe it's that time between stopping force feeding my brain with stimuli and actually falling asleep that I am avoiding. That's the time the thoughts crawl all over my brain like cockroaches in the dark. That's the time I overanalyze the pains in my body and wonder if the cancer has broken something that can't be fixed. It's the time that I plan my strategy to recovery and live out the dreams of running and dancing again. It's the time I spend listening to the sounds of the night and reflecting on how still my own life is along with the night. That quiet time before I fall asleep is sometimes filled with how much I don't look forward to another tomorrow of sitting at home trying to figure out what I can do to not be so monotonous and mundane. I have lots to do, but I don't always have the energy to do them...or sometimes I don't think it's so much the "energy" than it is the heart to do anything.
I try to stay pretty positive, but the truth is I'm not a sunny optimist all the time. Half of the time when I say positive encouraging things I'm more trying to convince myself rather than who I'm talking to. My theory is if I say, "I'm doing great" enough then I'll start believing it too at some point. The other half of the time I really do mean it though. I guess I just need a break. I wish i could take a mini vacation from this whole thing.
That's the thing about life - you can't really take a break from it. What fun would that be? You'd just be dead. At least all the shitty moments still mean that you are alive.
no more late night crap movies. Promise. Poisons the brain.
love,
Denise
About Us
- Nise and Brian
- Hilo, HI, United States
- Denise found a lump in her breast in Aug 2008, and was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer on 9/11/08. She went through 16 cycles of chemo, a lumpectomy, and radiation ending in June 2009. In July 2009 Denise was given the news that the cancer had metastasized to her bones and liver. New chemo was started Aug 2009, then radiation Dec 2009, but the cancer continues to spread through the liver and bones. Today Denise and Brian live in Denise's hometown of Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii and live each day as it is the best day ever.